Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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