I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
