I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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