Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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