Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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