Small penises have feelings too.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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