we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
