And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
