I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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