If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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