You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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