Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
