My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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