Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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