These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
