Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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