i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
