fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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