I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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