Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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