So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
