I just cut my nipple shaving
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
