Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
