Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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