My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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