Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
