the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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