He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
