i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize