Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
