I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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