i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need water and some morals
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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