Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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