I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
