yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize