my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
