Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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