she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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