I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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