How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
