Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
