I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
