I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
