listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize