i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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