i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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