I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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