I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
