Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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