She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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