I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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