my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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