Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
