i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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