Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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