apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
